We Understand.

In the Year of Our Lord, 2025, when in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the brand loyalties which have connected them with an eccentric billionaire, and to assume among the drivers of automobiles the separate and equal station to which reason and good taste entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of humankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.  

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that not all billionaires are visionaries, that some are just really loud on Twitter, and that among these are Elon Musk, who has tested our patience, insulted our intelligence, and made our parking lot conversations unbearably awkward.  

That to secure our dignity, vehicles are instituted among drivers, deriving their coolness not from their CEOs but from their actual performance on the road. That whenever any company, or its supreme leader, becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the drivers to rebel — to slap on a bumper sticker, to cover up a logo with electrical tape, or to trade in their car for literally anything else with wheels.  

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that brand loyalty should not be discarded for light and transient causes. But when a long train of tweets, press conferences, and cringe-worthy public appearances have reduced one’s once-proud purchase to an overpriced rolling meme, it is their duty to throw off such brand allegiance and seek out alternative modes of transportation, such as bicycles, Honda Civics, or even roller skates if necessary.  

The history of the present CEO of Tesla is a history of repeated offenses, all having in direct object the embarrassment of his customer base. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:  

• He has filled our social media feeds with insufferable, unsolicited opinions, frequently about things he does not understand.  
• He has made our self-driving cars seem less futuristic and more like an elaborate game of Russian Roulette.  
• He has enabled and encouraged a particular subset of internet trolls who still think calling people “woke” is a sick burn.  
• He has turned Twitter (excuse us, "X") into a raging dumpster fire, making even MySpace look like a reasonable business model.  
• He has smoked weed on Joe Rogan’s podcast, which in itself was fine, but the resulting bro-energy was not.  
• He has made it so that every time we tell someone we own a Tesla, we have to immediately clarify: “I bought it before he went completely off the rails.” 

We, therefore, the regretful Tesla owners of the world, solemnly publish and declare that we are, and of right ought to be, free and independent from this billionaire’s nonsense. That we shall no longer feel obligated to defend our purchase at dinner parties, nor shall we be compelled to participate in awkward small talk at charging stations. That we will affix bumper stickers to our vehicles as an outward symbol of our liberation. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on common sense and good taste, we mutually pledge to each other our dignity, our humor, and whatever resale value we can still get for these damn things.  

Signed.

The Enlightened Owners of the Free and Independent Automobiles of the World